This blog is somewhat of an instructional post - a recipe, if you will - on how to, in the future, be labelled a 'classic footballer'. If you've come to the conclusion that you're never going to be a shining Premiership star, and instead are destined to wallow in the lower reaches of the league, then all is not lost. Here are some tips on how to achieve 'classic footballer-ness', or to keep with the culinary theme, the ingredients of a reminiscent dish.
1. Have a funny, or memorable name - It might sound simple, but this works. In his six-season stint in the Premier League playing for Leicester City and Liverpool, Guadelopean-born goalkeeper Pegguy Arphexad made just 23 appearances, but his unusual name and his incredible bench-warming ability, mean he qualifies to be a 'classic footballer'. Another player who makes it onto the list through their name alone is one-time Liverpool centre half Phil Babb. Despite making nearly 400 appearances in a 16-year career, it's unfortunate that Babb, whose surname when spelt 'bab' is defined by the Urban Dictionary as West Yorkshire slang for 'Poo, shit, crap, turd', will always be remembered for this nutcracker. Ouch.
Phil Babb: a prime example of how a name earns you cult status.
Photo: Gareth Irvine via Flickr
2. Being foreign helps - Although there are many 'classic footballers' from the British Isles - Steve Howey, Jason Dodd and Clive Mendonca to name just three - if you are from somewhere else in the world, you have an obvious advantage over home-grown contenders. For example, after finishing 15th in the Premier League in 1998-99, then-Coventry City manager Gordon Strachan secured somewhat of a coup for the club by managing to bring in Moroccan internationals Mustapha Hadji and Youssef Chippo for the 1999-2000 season. The pair, along with Southampton's Hassan Kachloul, were the first Moroccans to grace the Premier League, meaning all three safely book their places on the 'classic footballer' plane.
3. Can't be that good - Although all 'classic footballers' were at one point Premier League players, a couple of key requirements in order to join the illustrious club is to be not that good and not that famous. The whole point of 'classic footballers' is to bring up blasts from the past, and to make people go, "I'd forgotten about him!", so you've got a bit of work to do when the best names you can think of are Eric Cantona, Dennis Bergkamp and Mark Hughes. You're far more likely to be accepted onto the list if your career screams mediocrity and averageness. Therefore for obvious reasons, players with more than a handful of international caps for a 'big' nation are generally not considered to be 'classic footballers', with one of the only exceptions I can think of being Carlton Palmer, who I was shocked to read notched up an astonishing 18 caps for England between 1992 and 1993. Is there any wonder we didn't qualify for USA '94?
4. Flops have automatic entry - Since its inception in 1992, there have been thousands of players to have appeared in the Premier League. Some of them are forgotten almost instantly, and fade away into obscurity rather quickly, but there are others whose mark on English football is not one of pleasure and delight, but one of sheer awfulness. In 2007, The Times compiled a list of the top 50 worst footballers of the modern era and it's safe to say that all of the players mentioned make it onto someone's 'classic footballer' list. Prime examples are Leeds' Swedish forward Tomas Brolin, Fulham's French striker Steve Marlet, who was signed for a ridiculous £13million (and no, that's not a mis-print) and perhaps the most famous flop of all, Ali Dia.
For those unaware of Dia's story, this video will help:
Ali Dia: The Premier League's greatest ever con-man.
5. Cannot be still playing Premier League football - This point is somewhat debatable, as it depends on how old are you as to the status of the 'classic footballers'. For instance, I'm 20, therefore the majority of players I reminisce about plied their trade in the Premier League in the mid-to-late 1990s and the early 2000s. It's not set in stone, though, so there is a bit of leeway in this one. There will be occasions when watching Soccer Saturday when a player crops up and you're shocked at his longevity within the footballing world. Such a thing happened to me yesterday when watching Charlton Athletic (incidentally a 'classic team', but that's another blog) play Spurs in the FA Cup. Captaining Charlton was 37-year-old Christian Dailly - the one-time Blackburn, Derby and West Ham defender. Not only was I shocked that he was still turning out for someone, I was also appalled at the fact that Blackburn, my team, paid over £5million for him in 1998. Something else which might surprise you is to learn that the ex-Watford striker Gifton Noel-Williams is only 30-years-old, and still playing for Dallas-Fort Worth Tornados in America. Incredible.
Other examples: Raimond van der Gouw (still played regularly in Holland's second division up until 2007, at the age of 44), John Curtis (now aged 32 and playing for Gold Coast United in Australia) and Jari Litmanen (now aged 39 and playing for Lahti in Finland).
So that's it - a definitive guide into becoming a cult hero in around 10 years time. Obviously there are contradictions and exceptions to each of these tips, but if you follow at least one of the five points, you are bound to be sewn into the cloth of football folklore for many years to come.
Further reading: If you follow me on Twitter, I occasionally tweet using the #classicfootballers hashtag, so look out for that, and get involved as well! Also, if you have Facebook and are interested in 'classic footballers', this group is a good place to start.
